My ears are not meant for your amusement.

The world of blog marketing is a strange one. These SEO giants in Buddy Holly glasses, keyword wordsmiths and blog title snubbers are on a mission: To get people to keep reading something they probably half care about in order to ultimately getting them to share the post or follow through on a call-to-action. That means getting them to buy your shit or sign up for your email list so you can convince them later to buy your shit.

However…

The most effective tool is the subheader, a bold set of word(s) that fall between certain paragraphs and creates an eyesore of sorts that pulls the automatic scanning eye towards a possible yield, just long enough to engage them in the content. Pretty. Fucking. Smart. Actually…

Pretty. Fucking. Smart.

See, that worked way better as a sub-header. Bold that shit, don’t be scared. It makes them wonder why I put periods after each word, but probably what draws the reader in the most is the expletive. Nothing like a good fuck to keep someone interested (also double entendres show you understand irony). There is the theory that anyone can blog if they put their heart into it. Just follow the form and eventually you’ll get the hang of it.

No one will tell you suck big monkey balls.

Unfortunately, this isn’t true. Although anyone can blog because most people can type and put words next to each other, this doesn’t mean they should or attempt to do something they have absolutely no interest in. You may start to get mean, sarcastic comments on how bad your blog is. No one wants that.

So the marketers then say, Well, as long as you’re providing information that is of value then you’re doing your job. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good writer. Hey you can just use a bunch of random hyperlinks, right? That should do the trick.

Insert cute picture up there NOT HERE

“What the fuck you lookin’ at?” says mitten cat.

The other thing that really sells these stupid motherfuckers reading your posts are images, because everyone likes images. If you don’t post a picture at the top of your post you might as well write the word DOUCHE across your head in permanent marker. Of course you can always use images throughout the post but be smart about it. Didn’t you know people make 76% of the decisions visually? Do your research.

This is the End. Go Buy Some Useless Crap.

Finally you got to wrap it up and put a bow on it at the end. What did we learn? Subheaders rule the planet, hyperlinks are rad but should be used sparingly and are better if they just hyperlink to some other place on your blog, SEO can only be done in hipster glasses and people are really stupid and buy shit they don’t need, so make sure to put a cute kitty picture at the top of the post not a weird kitten wearing mittens for no apparent reason.

Also, run-on sentences only show you don’t know how to write jack shit so get yourself a Strunk and White if you can’t afford an editor. Geesh.

Here’s to happy blogging!